THE HONEY TRAP

A Comedy in Two Acts

By: Michael C. Stepowany

 

Cast: 6 - 4 females 2 males.

FLO: Mid to late 20’s, African American female. A showgirl for the hotel-casino.

MK: Late 20’s early 30’s, Asian Female.  F.B.I. Agent.

MORT: Mid to late 20’s, Latino male.  A bell boy for the hotel-casino.

COLONEL BROOKS:  Late 40’s or mid 50’s, male.  A retired Air Force Colonel.

LANA: Mid to late 20’s, female.  Colonel Brooks’ Secretary.  A Russian spy.

BEATRICE: Late 40’s to mid 50’s, female.  The Colonel’s wife.

 

 

ACT I

Scene one

 

Setting: The play takes place in a single set. Evening of July 4, 1957.  Interior of a  hotel room at a Las Vegas casino.  Up center is a set of double doors.  They lead into the room from the hallway.  Along the stage right wall is a large bar with two spinning bar chairs.  There is a telephone on the bar.  To stage left of the main doorway is a door leading into a bathroom.  Stage left is a door leading into the bedroom. At the apron, just left of center, is the suggestion of a large full length window which overlooks the Hotel parking lot, and the vista of the dessert beyond.  Upstage, facing the “window” is a large sofa.  On either end of the sofa are end tables with garish lamps.  Up left of the main door against the upstage wall is a long ‘stereo hi-fi.’ Stage right of the sofa is an upholstered chair with an ottoman. 

 

At Rise:

 

It is sunset.  The room is aglow with the orange light of the setting sun.  The lamps are on.  An instrumental calypso is playing.  On the phone is FLO.  She is in her late-twenties.  She is an African American woman. She is wearing an extravagant Red, White, & Blue Las Vegas style, showgirl costume, complete with feathers and sequins. She is wearing a tall blonde wig.

 

FLO

Oh-bliteration! Yes there are going to be fireworks inside this room if you don’t get it up here mister!  Cigars … and gin.  No, right now.  The Presidential suite.  Now!

 

                     (There is a knock at the hallway doors.)

 

FLO (Continuing.  Shouting to the doors.)

Come on in, it’s open. (Back on the phone.)  No, it’s a private party.

 

                      (One of the doors opens slowly.  Standing in the doorway is MK.  She is a Japanese female in her late twenties. She                        is an F.B.I. agent.  She is wearing a conservative suit jacket and skirt.  Her attire includes white hose and a white                             blouse with a Peter Pan collar.)

 

FLO (Continuing.)

Yes Morty… (FLO sees MK at the door.  To MK.)  Holy Jesus you scared me!  Get it on in here. (To phone)  Oh my god, you won’t believe what just walked in.

 

                      (MK enters the room and closes the door.)

 

FLO (Continues. To MK.) 

Oh no, no, no… you won’t do at all.  (To phone.)  Hurry Mortimer, now.  (FLO hangs up the phone and begins dancing. To MK.)   Sorry honey, but that Peter Pan collar just don’t cut the mustard.

                      (MK reaches into her jacket.  She holds up her badge.) 

 

MK

F.B.I. 

                       (MK moves to the HI-FI.)

 

FLO

The Colonel is very particular.  He prefers his party girls to … What did you say?

 

                        (MK reaches and turns off the music.  FLO comes to a sudden stop.)

 

MK

Party girls … is not a division in the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

FLO

Did you say…?

MK

Agent Kirisotu-Gomen.  (MK extends her hand.)  Seconded from the Reno office.

 

                           (FLO ignores MK’s handshake and begins dancing slowly.)

 

FLO

Kira who-men?  Is that a real badge? Didn’t know they had girls in the F.B.I.

MK

I assure you…

FLO

And a Jap to boot!  Sorry.  Hello I’m Flo. Florence…(FLO strikes a poster pose.) Sparkles. That’s my professional name.  My real name is Stillwater.  Miss Stillwater.  (Holding up her arms)  You gonna’ frisk me?

 

                              (FLO goes to the bar.)

 

MK

No Miss Stillwater. 

FLO

Jesus, how can you stand to wear white hose?  That is a cute skirt tho’.  Don’t arrest me mister F.B.I. lady... (Melodramatically.) please… please! (FLO grabs a bottle from the bar.)  Drink?

MK

No thank you... when do you …?

FLO  (Cutting off MK.)

God it is so hot … don’t you think it’s hot?  I don’t think this air-conditioning gizmo is all it’s cracked up to be.  Do you?  You sure?  We got everything but Gin.  It’s on the way.  Brooksy loves his Gin.  Did you say the F.B.I.?  Damn, a G-man.  G- Woman? They let you carry a gun?

MK

I am on special assignment.  Yes I carry one.

FLO

No kidding!  Where? Not in that bodice. (MK motions her purse.) Get away …that’s a real scream.  I don’t believe you.

 

                              (MK Pulls the gun out and shows it to FLO just as MORT enters from the hall, pushing a hotel serving cart.                                        MORT is a Hispanic male in his mid twenties.  He is wearing a Hotel Bell-boy uniform, complete with typical,                                 round, bellboy hat.)

 

MORT

Room service.  Aye’ Carumba! I surrender!  Remember de’ Alamo!

FLO

Its ok.  She’s looking for Brooksey.

MORT

Yes ma’am.  Can I be of service?  (Aside to FLO) I thought we won the war?

FLO

This is a genuine G-woman.

MORT

A what?

MK

Agent Kirisotu-Gomen. F.B.I. 

FLO

Yes Mortimer… meet agent…Keer-ee?

MK

M K … Seconded from the Reno office.  This is his room?

MORT

Its de’ big man’s…

FLO

This is Frank’s room.  Brooksey is borrowing it for the big boom this morning.  It has the best view in Vegas.

MK

Mister Sinatra?  Do you expect him?

FLO

Never know.  Him and Sammy bee-lined it to another party. Up here in this room, we are having a real wing ding!  It a “Captain and the showgirls” party.  You know… like the movie?  Brooksey is the Captain.   I’m Marylyn Monroe. (To MK.) And you are…?

MORT

In trouble.  What chew want babbling for anyway?  You gonna’ lock him up?

FLO

Did you remember the cigars?

MORT

Cuban… right here amigo.

FLO

You better watch out for his secretary.

MORT (Smells a cigar)

Now dis is livin’.

 (MORT puts one of the cigars to his mouth as if to smoke it.)

FLO

What if they are REDS?

MORT

I knew it! Both of dem.  Commies!  Chew could deputize us.  Make us G-men too, aye?  Den we can throw old babbling and miss tank tits into da’ clink!

FLO

I don’t wanna’ be no G-man.  Who do you think you are?  Elliot Ness?

MORT

Mort… G-man!  Make mi fader proud.

FLO

Why you dried up wet-back!

MORT

I am as American as chew are! I was born in dis country. Mi Padre’ owns four hundred acres in New Mehico.

FLO

See?  He’s a god-damn foreigner!  And you want me to marry you?  Dreamer.

MK

Um…New Mexico … is a part of these United States.

FLO

You don’t say?  Well, that’s different.

MORT

See?  What I tell chew.  HUH!  Blue blood running in these Mexi-can veins.!

 

                              (FLO looks out the window.)

FLO

Shit! They are here.  There’s his damn car.  You wanted him … you got him.

MK

Are you certain?

MORT

SI!  He has the Caddy with the white star on the door.  Dey are here.

 

                                (MORT puts the cigar back into the cigar box.  The hallway door opens.  Standing in the doorway is                                                  COLONEL BROOKS.  He is in his late 40’s to mid 50’s.  He is all military, sporting a blonde crew cut, and                                       wearing an Air Force Colonel’s uniform.  COLONEL BROOKS enters the room almost shouting with arms                                         raised.)

 

COLONEL BROOKS

The Cap-ee-tan is here!  Have we missed the fireworks?

 

                                (LANA enters behind COLONEL BROOKS.  LANA is a very attractive blonde.  She is wearing a red skirt and                                   matching jacket. Her attire is business like, but more revealing.  She speaks in a heavy American Southern                                      accent.  She is carrying the Colonel’s brief case.)

 

LANA

Lord have mercy… would you look at this room.  Have the festivities begun?

 

                                 (LANA goes to the bar and places the brief case on it.)

 

COLONEL BROOKS

Don’t this room make you feel like a million bucks?  (Introducing himself to FLO.)  Hello.  Colonel Brooks.  Ready for the fourth of July are we? My, my, my…that’s a grand ‘ol flag you’re wearing Dolly. You must be one of my showgirls.

FLO

How’d you guess?

MORT

Welcome to de Imperial sir. Home of de Safari lounge and de Galaxy room.

 

                                     (MORT puts his hand out, palm up.  Expecting a tip.)

 

COLONEL BROOKS

Been here many times my good man.

MORT

Yes sir.  If you need anything…

LANA

It is sooo hot.  Why don’t you-all pour little ‘ol me a drink.

COLONEL BROOKS

Canadian or Tennessee?  I prefer everything from the south you understand.

MORT

Sir…we have …

COLONEL BROOKS

Course now with the hot summer sun, my little Georgia peach and I prefer clear concoctions.

FLO

Mint julep?

LANA

Sure sugah.  And serve it on the veranda please.

COLONEL BROOKS

Where’s this party I keep hearing about?  Where are all the dames?

FLO

I ain’t chopped liver.

MORT

If there is anything you want…

 

                                      (COLONEL BROOKS drops a set of keys into MORT’s waiting hand.)

 

COLONEL BROOKS

Here …you know my car.  There is a large case in the trunk.  Thanks buster.

MORT

Right away sir. 

                                    (MORT exits through the hallway doors.)

 

FLO

And make it snappy Morty.  What can I pour for you?

COLONEL BROOKS

Gin and tonic for me.  Cubrilibra for my secretary.

FLO

One gin and tonic coming up.

MK

Nothing for me.

 

                                   (COLONEL BROOKS notices MK, who is obviously not a showgirl.)

 

COLONEL BROOKS (Sarcastically to FLO.)

Everything out to the cleaners down in wardrobe Sparkles?

 

                                      (MK goes to COLONEL BROOKS to introduce herself.)

 

MK

M K Kirisotu-Gomen

LANA

She is a foreigner Brooksey.

COLONEL BROOKS

The more the merrier.  (To FLO) Hey baby…why don’t you set up little miss MK Gotman here with a nice outfit from downstairs. 

MK

That won’t be necessary.

COLONEL BROOKS

Well at least nix the collar button.  (Motioning to MK)  Sparkles a little more sparkles over here please.  And how bout a little skin.  Come on baby.  The Captain wants his showgirls bright and brassy.  You babe, are just too square. 

LANA

And how.  Squresville. 

FLO

I’ll see what I can do…

 

                                          (COLONEL BROOKS looks at his wrist watch.)

 

COLONEL BROOKS

It’s twenty-fifty. Lana, find out what time the fireworks are due to go off…

LANA

Right away sir.

                                          (LANA lifts the phone and clicks the receiver cradle twice.)

 

COLONEL BROOKS

I have a little business to attend to.

LANA

Hello operator?  At what time should we expect the fireworks?

 

                                        (FLO goes to the window stage left.)

 

FLO

Seems dark enough out there.

 

                                       LANA (Holds the receiver in her hand.)

Any time now. 

COLONEL BROOKS

Great.  Get me the long distance operator.  Where’s all the action tonight Sparkles?

LANA

Long distance please.

COLONEL BROOKS  (To LANA.)

Get Gus on the horn will ya’?

LANA

Arlington Virginia please.

MK

Colonel… please…

LANA

Capitol 5 – 5522 Yes ma’m. Thank you. (Outloud.)  Charge it to the room?

COLONEL BROOKS

Hell yea…me and Frankie go way back.

FLO

How far back Brooksey wooksey?

MK

All the way to New Jersey.

FLO

Jersey?

MK

Hoboken.

COLONEL BROOKS  (Pointing to MK.)

Sparkles?  Costume.  Now.

LANA

Why thank you operator. (To COLONEL BROOKS.) Here you go.

 

                                        (LANA hands COLONEL BROOKS the phone.)

 

COLONEL BROOKS

Thanks doll. (COLONEL BROOKS takes the receiver.) Hey you dames… why don’t the three of you go play some slots?  Here’s some nice shiny silver dollars.

 

                                       (COLONEL BROOKS puts a few silver dollars onto the bar.  FLO grabs them and hands some to LANA.)

 

 

FLO

Big spender.  And the refreshments?

COLONEL BROOKS

Help yourself downstairs.  Charge it to the room.  Pronto.  I need to make a couple calls.

LANA

I don’t think I have evah seen soooo much money sugah.

COLONEL BROOKS (To MK)

And do something about that outfit cookie.

FLO

Come on…money talks and we walks…

 

                                  (FLO and LANA exit)

 

COLONEL BROOKS

Hello Gus?  Its Brooks. (Pause.) Buddy ...What are you talking about?  Mach three?  Yes sir.  Operation Hood. Site nine – A.  Gus … Gussy be serious.  Its 1957 for Christ sakes. (Pause)  And Ike is getting cold feet!  (COLONEL BROOKS notices MK is still in the room.) Hold on.  (To MK.) Hey doll…beat it.  (Back on the phone) That’s right.  What’s that?  Should be a good one.  Let me put it this way, you don’t want to be anywhere near the Yucca Flats tomorrow morning.  (Laughs.) I know.  (COLONEL BROOKS notices MK.)  hold on Gus.  (To MK.) Still here toots?

 

                                  (MK holds up her badge.) 

 

MK

F.B.I

COLONEL BROOKS

Uh… listen Gussy old pal…lemme’ call you back…the fireworks are about to begin.

 

                              (COLONEL BROOKS hangs up the phone.)

 

MK

Colonel Brooks.

COLONEL BROOKS

Haven’t we met before? Yeah…yeah…

MK

I don’t think so.

COLONEL BROOKS

Sure…I remember…The pentagon.  You still swimming? You look great. You never forgave me … I understand.

MK

I assure you …

COLONEL BROOKS

I know… you relocated out here … life guarding right?  You’re Jenny.  Yeah, Jenny the lifeguard.  From the Pentagon swimming pool!  How the hell are you?  Why didn’t you say something?  Sneaking up here like this.  How you doing Jenny?  Why its been …

MK

My name is Mary Katherine.

COLONEL BROOKS

Sure,  sure I know… professional name and all.  Hey, remember that red kimono I got for you?  Direct from Tokyo.  That was aces.  If I remember correctly… you were very grateful.  Mmm kay, looks like you’ve come a long way.

MK

Sir, I am with the Federal Bureau of Investigation.  Seconded from the Reno office. 

COLONEL BROOKS

Oh come on Jenny…it’s me.  Brooksey.  What?  You need money?

 

                             (COLONEL BROOKS Reaches into his jacket pocket for his wallet.  He changes his mind.)

 

 

COLONEL BROOKS (Continues.)

Listen…I got a better idea…why don’t you come back tomorrow?  I’ll be happy to give you a private tour.

MK (Sarcastically.)

Oh really?  You going to show me your etchings? (Firm)  Sir, I am here on official business.

COLONEL BROOKS

You aren’t kidding. (Pause.)  Smoke? 

MK

No thank you.

COLONEL BROOKS

Mind if I do?  Did you say F.B.I.?  I am good friends with the Sheriff here in town. He know you’re out here?  (Changes.  Realizing maybe a joke is being played on him.)  Oh, I get it.  Don’t this beat all.  Where is he?  Come on out. 

MK

Sir?

COLONEL BROOKS

Dino!  Practical jokers, those guys.  Hey Dino… come out, come out, wherever you are. You’re gonna’ miss the show.

MK

Mister Dean Martin is in New York.

COLONEL BROOKS

New York?.  Shit.  My wife is in New York.  Shopping.  You like New York?  Cartier’s?

MK

I prefer London.

COLONEL BROOKS

Jolly old London? You get around aye?

MK

Oxford.

COLONEL BROOKS

University? 

MK

Mathematics.  Then I interned.  Code breaking.  Bletchley Park.

 

                                 (COLONEL BROOKS looks at his wrist watch.)

 

 

COLONEL BROOKS

Impressive. Fireworks are late.

MK

Sir, I am here on official…

COLONEL BROOKS

Have you ever been to the Pentagon?  I’ve got friends in Washington.  What you doing out here in dusty old Vegas?

MK

Reno

COLONEL BROOKS

Even worse!  Why, I could get you a nice cushy job say… attached to the foreign service?  (MK shakes her head no.) Secret service?  (MK shakes her head no.)  What did you say your name was again?  I’m sorry.  Why don’t we start from the beginning.  Drink?

 

                                       (The hallway door flies open.  FLO enters.)

 

FLO

Red alert!

COLONEL BROOKS

Hello baby. Run out of nickels?

FLO

Morts’ on his way up.  (Pointedly to MK.)  Little government girl…  why don’t you go powder your nose?  Things could get noisy.

COLONEL BROOKS

Right… the fireworks are gonna’ start any minute now.

FLO

…and how.  (To MK) Storm approaching.  Please.

 

                                      (FLO grabs MK by the hand and begins to lead her out.  LANA enters.)

 

LANA

She is here..

MK (To FLO.)

If you insist.  Colonel, we need to talk. 

COLONEL BROOKS

Of course.  No problem.  Make an appointment with my secretary.

LANA

Appointment? 

FLO (Winking To MK.  Overplaying.)

We have got to do something about your um… costume… please.

MK  (Playing along.)

A costume?  In wardrobe?  If you insist.

COLONEL BROOKS

I insist! Let the party begin.

FLO (Softly to MK.)

Big trouble.  Give us a minute or so.  (Hamming it up to MK.) She’s got an appointment.  Downstairs.  Look for the peacock one.  It’s a scream!

MK (Softly to FLO.)

Is this necessary?

FLO (To MK.)  

It’s a very revealing number!  (To COLONEL BROOKS.) She’ll be right back Babbling.  Sending her to wardrobe.  Just like you said.

MK

As you wish. I will be right back.

 

                                     (MK exits through the hall door.  LANA goes to the Colonel’s brief case and pulls out her note book.  She                                         puts on a pair of horned rim glasses.)

 

COLONEL BROOKS

Fantastic.  Let’s say we all just look out this window? And we’ll all get to see a little prelude to the big one tomorrow. Okeydokey?

LANA

The big one is almost here.

COLONEL BROOKS

Oh come on girls, let’s have us a whale of a party.   Drinks are on me.  Put on a record!

 

                                  (MORT enters pushing a hotel luggage cart.  On the bottom is a large military case. On top of it sits a                                              gigantic pile of suitcases.)

 

COLONEL BROOKS

Jesus my man … I only needed one case.

BEATRICE(Shouting from the hall )

Whyyyyyy LEE!

COLONEL BROOKS

I know that voice. 

 

                                  (The fireworks begin.)

 

FLO

Here we go.

                                   (Stepping from behind the pile of suitcases is BEATRICE.  The Colonel’s wife.  She is wearing a Chanel suit,                                     complete with white gloves, and pearls.)

 

COLONEL BROOKS

Beatrice!  Hello dear.  How was New York?

 

                                   (Fade to black.) 

                                    End of Scene